Roots

On the day I called, you answered me;

    my strength of soul you increased.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

    you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,

    and your right hand delivers me.

 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

    Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Portions of Psalm 138

We have an off-week this week from everything. So we are knee deep in puzzles and letter learning and Wii games. Now that so many of you have blessed Cade with Wii games we are now trying to find the right parameters for how long he can play every day. I am shocked/embarrassed/amazed at how good he has gotten at Mario already. The kid can beat me and he is 5. 

Cade is doing better than ever. Truly. It's easy to forget how miraculous this really is- and if I settle in too much I lose the wonder. Let's not lose the wonder, friends. God is really answering specific prayers. Teeny tiny and big, seemingly overwhleming ones. He is in the business of listening to our hearts. I am so grateful. I am so encouraged. 

I love God so much. I just love how much and how graciously He has shown up. There have been so many moments where I have gotten to the bottom of my pit- but I am learning now how to have expectation even in that place emotionally. I've never stayed in the pit long. He always throws a rope down, throws an arm down, or just magically absorbs the distance between despair and hope so that I'm never down long. Which reminds me of two verses I love:

"The Lord makes firm the steps

of the one who delights in him;

though he may stumble, he will not fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

I was young and now I am old,

yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken

or their children begging bread.

They are always generous and lend freely;

their children will be a blessing." 

Psalm 37:23-26

and Proverbs 24:16

"for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.

Next week we have another big round of chemo, and yesterday when I went over Cade's tentative schedule for the next few months, it was amazing how quickly I lost sight of all God has done already. I saw looming ahead of us many five day chemos, and my heart felt like it had "melted like water". (Love how frequently the Old Testament said people's hearts got like this when they faced fears. It's a pretty accurate description.) I felt the Holy Spirit come right into that moment and say, "Charis, you cannot afford to forget what I have done." 

While we celebrate Cade's health, buoyancy and life, please continue to pray with us that his body would be prepared now for what he will receive next week. God knows how to direct this next round of chemo, and I am asking that He is doing a bunch of pre-treatment readiness drills inside of Cade for this bigger round. Thank you for praying!!

Here are some of the thoughts that we've been circling around this week:

1. Practicing Remembrance: 

I spent a few weeks praying specifically the name of the chemo Cade just got for five days, fearing it one minute, giving my fear to God in exchange for peace the next. And Cade came through it like a champ. Literally, without any visible side effect. God has carried my little boy so well this whole time. There were hard moments already, things that pierced my heart and left it, I am sure, forever different. But each of those moments contained a measure of sufficient hope and grace. I always felt new mercy, every single day. Why would I expect any less when I look to the future? 

I was reading Charles Spurgeon's commentary on Psalm 126 where something he said snagged my attention: 

"The past is EVER a sure prognostic of the future; the thing which has been is the thing which shall be; we shall again and again find ourselves amazed at the wonderful goodness of the Lord."

It is so important that I remember what God has already done for us. I am realizing how little fear actually accomplishes. Sometimes it feels like fearing something gives me a measure of strength, or at least prepares me for it. Fear, in reality, just empties me of courage, and right now, I have need of courage. I've got to remember what the activity of God has already been in my life. 

2. There is a phrase that had been going through my mind that I looked up the other day, "David strengthened himself in the Lord." 1 Samuel 30:6

It's a simple line in a crazy story where David and his mighty men return from battle to find that their homes have been raided and their wives and children and servants have all been taken captive by the enemy. They don't know if they're dead or alive. And all of the men are so bitter in heart they want to kill David. 

"And David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because all the people were bitter in soul, each for his sons and daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God." 

The story goes on from there where David gets it all back. 

 "And David struck them down from twilight until the evening of the next day, and not a man of them escaped, except four hundred young men, who mounted camels and fled. David recovered all that the Amalekites had taken... Nothing was missing, whether small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything that had been taken. David brought back all. David also captured all the flocks and herds, and the people drove the livestock before him, and said, “This is David's spoil.”

What does this Old Testament war story have in common with me and this story? Just about everything. Obviously, I want to recover it ALL. I want to say that nothing was missing from our family, from our children, from any of us. In fact, I'm asking for "spoil", all my stuff plus some extras that come as a result of plundering my enemy's camp. Not because I'm even the one who is doing the plundering. I am firmly believing the One who fights on my behalf is going to do this- recover it all and then some, and then call it my victory. But that is a brave thought for another day. 

The main thought I love in this is that when David was at his lowest- He strengthened Himself in the Lord. And we don't even know what that means. We don't get the particulars. We just know he did it. Somehow that makes me feel fiercely jealous to do the same. I want to strengthen myself in the Lord. I picture someone in a boxing ring, returning to the corner, getting patted down, getting a pep talk, and then going back in. 

3. Comfort of the Holy Spirit

There is a fascinating page in a devotional Eden and I read that has a picture of an old tapestry depicting how Bishop Odo Bayeux, William the Conqueror's brother, prods his troops forward with the end of his spear. The Latin inscription says, “This is Bishop Odo comforting his troops”. 

Sometimes the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, comforts me with gentleness and a hug. But there have been many days in this process where I've learned a new side of His comfort. I've felt Him doing what the Psalm at the top of this blog says, "my strength of soul You've increased." 

4. Roots are Growing

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

Colossians 2:7

One of my favorite Melissa Helser messages includes a portion where she talks about how even in winter, trees aren't insecure that all of the superfluous leaves have been stripped from their branches. They know spring is coming again. She has this incredible line about the trees telling her, "Our roots are growing." You can listen to the whole thing here. I did minimal research, but in winter, trees send their roots down deeper- the root system itself has to work harder to find nutrients. 

There is a glorious search that the roots of my heart daily make to find the grace for each day. It is a Faithful God that daily makes new hope available, I am so grateful. 

At the end of the passage in Jeremiah 17 Chad and I felt God give us for our wedding has this amazing portion

 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

    whose trust is the Lord.

 He is like a tree planted by water,

    that sends out its roots by the stream,"

In John 4, Jesus talks about when we believe in Him from our very inmost being will flow rivers of living water. The stream of God is available for all of us, to send our roots to. Not our branches and leaves and the prettiest parts, the visible parts even. But the very depths of us, sinking deep into that stream. Letting it heal what's unseen, clean what's been muddied, drench what feels dried up or chapped.

In the parable of the seed and the sower in Matthew, Jesus talks about a kind of seed that quickly grows up but ends up dying quickly because it did not have roots. When the disciples ask Him what it means, He explains that this particular seed " is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when trouble or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away."

Since the start of everything, my deepest fear is falling away from God. That might sound so wrong, considering it is my only and most precious son whose life has been threatened by this. But I know in my deepest self that Cade is eternally loved and held and precious to my Father. To His Father. I am confident this has hope laced all through for my son. The greatest danger, then, would be to let the trouble poison the wells of our hearts. The most beautiful hope we have when we walk with God is that hard things can be redeemed. Without Him, these hard things would break me forever. But with Him, they can strengthen my roots. Oh God, please let them strengthen our roots. 

The significance of all of this transpiring just as winter sets in is not lost on me. A winter of our lives has come, and what we will do with all the open and naked space? I want, I pray, that our roots would go down deep into Him. 

Winter

by Rosemary Gingerich

In spring I know your joy and laughter

in summer I know your abundant love

In fall I know your smile overflowing into colors,

But in winter, I know your faithfulness, God.

I shed what is only temporary 

And my truest self comes forth,bare before You 

I stand in all my weakness and frailty.

And yet, You remain.

You never let go of me, never. 

Yes, winter sings of Your faithfulness, 

Declares Your faithfulness 

To my rawest self. You sow Yourself 

And stand with me. You never leave, never.

Yes, there is no season more fruitful than winter, 

for here I fall into the depths of God 

And discover I am cradled by a faithfulness

That never stops giving.

What a privilege to know You in winter, God.

Here are a few messages we've listened to this week as well:

Kris Valloton: Called to Courage

Steve Furtick: I'm Glad it Happened