Cade is loving life right now and feeling good. He got home from the hospital Friday at noon and has been nonstop since. While he was still hospitalized, he was quickly recognized as the most rambunctious kid there and every time the doctors made their rounds they laughed at his antics, and exclaimed over how he didn't need to be there. He was as wild there as he could be while hooked up to an IV pole.
The great part is, I think that stay felt like a vacation to Cade. He got one on one time every day with me, Chad and his Grammy, was mostly fed every meal by one of us, and played Wii or games all day. He asked to go back twice in the first two days he was home. That to me feels like restitution. I am praying he only remembers those parts of this journey. The laughter, attention, and feeling of security.
Because of his low counts, we are delaying the five day chemo he was scheduled for this week until next week. About half way through his inpatient stay, I started to believe the Master Oncologist must have some ideas of His own on the fluid Cade's body needed, the rest it needed, and the safest way for him to be incubated during his lowest white blood cell moments. When Chad and I compared notes, we realized this seemed like a disguised kindness around the same time. Over and over again I am learning that simple trust silences a lot of other voices.
Next week, March 12-16th, he will have second 5-day chemo group. We are praying already that God is preparing Cade for it. We have things arranged to do this chemo outpatient with at-home fluids which I will administer with my awesome and new-found nursing skills. ;-)
Please pray:
1. The chemo will be a tool in God's hands to destroy every single cancerous cell and tumor in his lungs, and any cells we haven't seen in scans. (Psalm 119:91 "All things are Your servants")
2. Every healthy cell would be shielded by God from any ill-effect of the chemo. (Psalm 3:3 The Lord is a shield about me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head.")
3. No side effects from this chemo- nausea, vomiting, suppressed appetite, fever, damage to any organs or neurological issues, and all the good effects. (3 John 1:2 "Dear friend, I pray that [Cade] would prosper and be in good health, even as his soul prospers.")
4. That Cade's buoyancy, resiliency, and strength would become a sign and a wonder even more to everyone we meet, and that his treatment would bring breakthrough for other kids with Wilm's diagnosis in the future. (Isaiah 8:18 "Behold, I and the children whom the Lord has given me are for signs and wonders")
I love a new month, and on March 1st, my Bible reading plan had me read Romans 4:20-21
Last week was the sort of week that felt like it lasted a year. While Cade was living the good life, Chad and I felt the stretching. I can feel that something has shifted for us, and as I was processing it I started to think maybe the grace "lifted" or left. Things felt harder, more like a choice and a discipline, more like constant work to get my mind to rest and to quiet my worries. I felt the Lord say that the grace we had in the beginning is not the grace we need for now. In the beginning of all of this, we rode a grace wave, we were shielded in a different way. Now, we are in a different leg of the journey. The adrenaline rush we had at first has fizzled out to the daily endurance.
Hebrews 10:35-39 comes to mind:
One of my friends was praying for us and shared they felt like they saw Chad and I climbing a mountain, and instead of trying to find provision on the way, we carried big camel backs on our backs, and we constantly had access to fresh water and what we needed because it was on us, and not around us. I feel that way now. When I lack strength, I have to come to the One who said He was and is the Living Water and the Bread of Life. It's step by step, discipline by discipline, moment by moment.
Melissa Helser said something staggering about her journey with illness, and how a friend asked her "Melissa, are you bearing fruit in this season?" And she started to think about whether or not she was bearing the fruit of the Spirit, more patience, joy, love, peace, goodness, gentlessness, self-control, and she said, "Yes, I am." "Then," her friend said, "you are doing great."
Let me just say that offends me. It offends me to not be coddled in my weariness and not be indulged. But the Holy Spirit has me thinking of a really good coach. He doesn't want to let me whine and sit in my weariness, because He knows the gold that is on the other side of my endurance. Last week, although it felt so hard and so exhausting to do the back and forth from the hospital and single parenting the girls here, it also was like a huge character work out. And I can honestly see now all the ways God was shaping more of His fruit in my life. More patience when I was at the end of mine, more gentleness when all I wanted to do was be abrupt and harsh, more joy when I felt so sad.
I just have a sneaking suspicion our vision in this life is so wrong. We are seeing so limited to just see the phsyical. There is so much at stake in this journey, and so much potentially to be won. I don't just want Cade healed, I want us to come out on the other side fat and flourishing.
I could not shake the feeling after my previous post on the what and the why of God that I had misspoken. I had to read it a few times to make sure I hadn't lied or said anything that seemed wrong to my mind, but I just couldn't get over the idea that somehow that post was not pleasing to the Father. I was thinking about it for a few days and I think one of the main things I came to grips with is that it was less what I said, as the spirit in which I wrote it. I wrote it in the midst of the struggle. I wrote it out of disappointment, while wrestling suspicion to the ground again. In the days that followed, I was so relieved to realize the Lord was providing me with more evidence of His goodness. That while we can't always explain Him, we CAN know Him. We can say confidently: "All of His ways are steadfast love and faithfulness to those who fear Him." He is a good Father, even when circumstances seem to strongly suggest we are orphaned again. Slogging it out with doubt and fear is never easy, and I am thankful for God's patience, and love even in those dark places. If that post depressed you or made you think ill of God's kindness, please forgive me. And please take every little thing I say and spread it out before God. He will "guide our hearts into all truth". I am still very very very much in-process. While I can always promise honesty, it doesn't always equate Truth.
I feel very strongly that God is watching Cade, and He is supremely more careful with him than I am. It is such a privelege to pray and stand for Cade's healing, and as his parents, Chad and I know this is our job in this season. But God is simultaneously using this for us. It is just the right pressure to help us out of our own weakness. He is doing what 1 Peter promised, shaping our faith. Cleansing it, strengthening it, and making sure it comes forth as weighty gold.
One of my favorite moments of last week was with Eden. Chad got a picture of us throwing all of our sadness and disappointment into the fire of God's presence, and letting it burn up there. Eden and I cried a lot together without Cade and Chad, and one night we got to sit on the living room floor and figuratively act out throwing all of our hurt, sadness, disappointment into the fire of God's love. We listened to a worship song, and she looked at me and said "Mommy, I feel God all over me." And when Chad called later she yelled, "I just had the best time with God!" That was on my lowest energy day, and all I can say is, God loves to meet us. I can tunnel so easily when I think about all of my plans to protect my kids and give them a quintessential childhood, but this has derailed all of my plans. I am seeing how God really is the best parent. He is inviting Eden, Haven, Cade, Lily, Chad and I, to know Him in this hard place. He is not wasting this trial.
Here are some of the things we listened to and loved this week:
Melissa Helser Heaven Come: this is her testimony, which is amazing, and it also includes the portion about the fruit of the spirit which is both painful and poignant.
Melissa Helser "Oil": this is a crazy sponatneous song that has parts about "honey from heaven", and Cade has now references the honey from heaven in his body several times since listening to it ONCE. I don't know, but it seems like kids get it way before we do.
Graham Cooke The Power of Instead : I sent this to a friend, but I love this message so much. I hope you do too.
I realize most of what I post is in a specific "stream" of Christianity. This is totally editorial here, but I think we are drawn to, even in the Church, churches and people who speak to our personalities and life experiences. I try, (I say that loosely because I'm sure there's hypocrisy even in that) to not throw out the baby with the bathwater on anyone's account. Let God be true, and every man and a liar sort of thing. If someone knows God, has been in trial, and has something to say, I'd like to hear it. I hope you find these encouraging and not confusing or alienating.
Thank you for praying for Cade!
The great part is, I think that stay felt like a vacation to Cade. He got one on one time every day with me, Chad and his Grammy, was mostly fed every meal by one of us, and played Wii or games all day. He asked to go back twice in the first two days he was home. That to me feels like restitution. I am praying he only remembers those parts of this journey. The laughter, attention, and feeling of security.
Because of his low counts, we are delaying the five day chemo he was scheduled for this week until next week. About half way through his inpatient stay, I started to believe the Master Oncologist must have some ideas of His own on the fluid Cade's body needed, the rest it needed, and the safest way for him to be incubated during his lowest white blood cell moments. When Chad and I compared notes, we realized this seemed like a disguised kindness around the same time. Over and over again I am learning that simple trust silences a lot of other voices.
Next week, March 12-16th, he will have second 5-day chemo group. We are praying already that God is preparing Cade for it. We have things arranged to do this chemo outpatient with at-home fluids which I will administer with my awesome and new-found nursing skills. ;-)
Please pray:
1. The chemo will be a tool in God's hands to destroy every single cancerous cell and tumor in his lungs, and any cells we haven't seen in scans. (Psalm 119:91 "All things are Your servants")
2. Every healthy cell would be shielded by God from any ill-effect of the chemo. (Psalm 3:3 The Lord is a shield about me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head.")
3. No side effects from this chemo- nausea, vomiting, suppressed appetite, fever, damage to any organs or neurological issues, and all the good effects. (3 John 1:2 "Dear friend, I pray that [Cade] would prosper and be in good health, even as his soul prospers.")
4. That Cade's buoyancy, resiliency, and strength would become a sign and a wonder even more to everyone we meet, and that his treatment would bring breakthrough for other kids with Wilm's diagnosis in the future. (Isaiah 8:18 "Behold, I and the children whom the Lord has given me are for signs and wonders")
I love a new month, and on March 1st, my Bible reading plan had me read Romans 4:20-21
No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God,
but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God,
fully convinced that God was able to do
what he had promised.
John 14:1 got me through an eventful February with not one but TWO inpatient stays and over half the month doing life as a family apart. So thankful He said not to let my heart "flutter". I am excited to lean on these verses for March. I love how God wants to arm us for what is ahead with good promises.
Hebrews 10:35-39 comes to mind:
"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For,
“Yet a little while,
and the coming one will come and will not delay;
but my righteous one shall live by faith,
and if he shrinks back,
my soul has no pleasure in him.”
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls."
One of my friends was praying for us and shared they felt like they saw Chad and I climbing a mountain, and instead of trying to find provision on the way, we carried big camel backs on our backs, and we constantly had access to fresh water and what we needed because it was on us, and not around us. I feel that way now. When I lack strength, I have to come to the One who said He was and is the Living Water and the Bread of Life. It's step by step, discipline by discipline, moment by moment.
Melissa Helser said something staggering about her journey with illness, and how a friend asked her "Melissa, are you bearing fruit in this season?" And she started to think about whether or not she was bearing the fruit of the Spirit, more patience, joy, love, peace, goodness, gentlessness, self-control, and she said, "Yes, I am." "Then," her friend said, "you are doing great."
Let me just say that offends me. It offends me to not be coddled in my weariness and not be indulged. But the Holy Spirit has me thinking of a really good coach. He doesn't want to let me whine and sit in my weariness, because He knows the gold that is on the other side of my endurance. Last week, although it felt so hard and so exhausting to do the back and forth from the hospital and single parenting the girls here, it also was like a huge character work out. And I can honestly see now all the ways God was shaping more of His fruit in my life. More patience when I was at the end of mine, more gentleness when all I wanted to do was be abrupt and harsh, more joy when I felt so sad.
I just have a sneaking suspicion our vision in this life is so wrong. We are seeing so limited to just see the phsyical. There is so much at stake in this journey, and so much potentially to be won. I don't just want Cade healed, I want us to come out on the other side fat and flourishing.
I could not shake the feeling after my previous post on the what and the why of God that I had misspoken. I had to read it a few times to make sure I hadn't lied or said anything that seemed wrong to my mind, but I just couldn't get over the idea that somehow that post was not pleasing to the Father. I was thinking about it for a few days and I think one of the main things I came to grips with is that it was less what I said, as the spirit in which I wrote it. I wrote it in the midst of the struggle. I wrote it out of disappointment, while wrestling suspicion to the ground again. In the days that followed, I was so relieved to realize the Lord was providing me with more evidence of His goodness. That while we can't always explain Him, we CAN know Him. We can say confidently: "All of His ways are steadfast love and faithfulness to those who fear Him." He is a good Father, even when circumstances seem to strongly suggest we are orphaned again. Slogging it out with doubt and fear is never easy, and I am thankful for God's patience, and love even in those dark places. If that post depressed you or made you think ill of God's kindness, please forgive me. And please take every little thing I say and spread it out before God. He will "guide our hearts into all truth". I am still very very very much in-process. While I can always promise honesty, it doesn't always equate Truth.
I feel very strongly that God is watching Cade, and He is supremely more careful with him than I am. It is such a privelege to pray and stand for Cade's healing, and as his parents, Chad and I know this is our job in this season. But God is simultaneously using this for us. It is just the right pressure to help us out of our own weakness. He is doing what 1 Peter promised, shaping our faith. Cleansing it, strengthening it, and making sure it comes forth as weighty gold.
One of my favorite moments of last week was with Eden. Chad got a picture of us throwing all of our sadness and disappointment into the fire of God's presence, and letting it burn up there. Eden and I cried a lot together without Cade and Chad, and one night we got to sit on the living room floor and figuratively act out throwing all of our hurt, sadness, disappointment into the fire of God's love. We listened to a worship song, and she looked at me and said "Mommy, I feel God all over me." And when Chad called later she yelled, "I just had the best time with God!" That was on my lowest energy day, and all I can say is, God loves to meet us. I can tunnel so easily when I think about all of my plans to protect my kids and give them a quintessential childhood, but this has derailed all of my plans. I am seeing how God really is the best parent. He is inviting Eden, Haven, Cade, Lily, Chad and I, to know Him in this hard place. He is not wasting this trial.
Here are some of the things we listened to and loved this week:
Melissa Helser Heaven Come: this is her testimony, which is amazing, and it also includes the portion about the fruit of the spirit which is both painful and poignant.
Melissa Helser "Oil": this is a crazy sponatneous song that has parts about "honey from heaven", and Cade has now references the honey from heaven in his body several times since listening to it ONCE. I don't know, but it seems like kids get it way before we do.
Graham Cooke The Power of Instead : I sent this to a friend, but I love this message so much. I hope you do too.
I realize most of what I post is in a specific "stream" of Christianity. This is totally editorial here, but I think we are drawn to, even in the Church, churches and people who speak to our personalities and life experiences. I try, (I say that loosely because I'm sure there's hypocrisy even in that) to not throw out the baby with the bathwater on anyone's account. Let God be true, and every man and a liar sort of thing. If someone knows God, has been in trial, and has something to say, I'd like to hear it. I hope you find these encouraging and not confusing or alienating.
Thank you for praying for Cade!
We are standing with you in prayer and for full restoration over Cade and your family. May the Lord continue to put His word in your mouths. Would He increase His Spirit on you to overcome. Would His purposes for your family be established "And I have put My words in your mouth; I have covered you with the shadow of My hand, That I may plant the heavens, Lay the foundations of the earth..." (Isa. 51:16).
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