Hope Is Not A Lie

Cade successfully managed to handle a big chemo group without getting a fever, and we are thankful! We have had two weeks of a quick chemo, and this Monday we go in for another five day group. We are praying that God is already "priming the pump" of Cade's body to receive whatever it needs from this group. Here are some of our specific prayer requests:

1. Protection over his kidney and bladder: We are doing an additional test this week to try and determine the correct dosage for one of the chemos for his kidney. Please pray the dosing is perfect for his body. Please also pray that any bleeding in his bladder post chemo or during chemo is stopped, and that any bladder irritation is healed.

2. No nausea or vomiting during or after chemo: We are thinking some of the vomiting we experienced after this chemo group is caused by an abundance of stomach acid, so we are trying preventive measures like antacids. Please pray he does not get sick in the week following treatment as well. 

3. No damage to any internal organs: we want all systems to work perfectly for Cade, and for his heart, brain, lungs, kidney, bladder, intestines, etc. to be unscathed.

4. Please pray that he does not develop a fever after this chemo group: the pattern after this group is normally a fever about seven days out, but it would be such a nice surprise for him to stay fever-free. We need healthy bone marrow, life, and energy for Cade. 

5. Sweetness of family time: five day chemos are usually done inpatient, but we have developed system where we can do them outpatient, but it still requires all day in a clinic and lots of helping hands (for which we are SO thankful). Please pray for good family times even in the midst of the back and forth. 

We have hit the half way mark in treatment, and that is worth celebrating! I've only run a few half marathons, but the miles around the halfway mark are always the hardest for me. I think Chad and I are feeling the half-way mark similarly now. It's amazing to think how far we've come, and amazing to think how much is ahead. I have had many days the past two weeks where I felt the fatigue. 

I am thankful for Holy Spirit solutions- so many times when Cade isn't doing well, I've asked for practical advice and the Lord has popped solutions into my mind. About 10 days ago Cade was unable to keep food down, and after two days of him throwing up everywhere, I went into our bedroom and asked for the Holy Spirit's solution. Nothing we tried was working. Immediately I began to think about acid reflux, since he wasn't getting nauseated and it usually followed meals. Within one dose of tums and some pepcid, Cade was eating keeping it down. I love how Carolyn Leaf talks about how the Holy Spirit often sounds like our own voice in our minds. Practical wisdom is so key to this journey. (Dr. Carolyn Leaf is a neuroscientist and I randomly stumbled across her two weeks ago, and promptly sent out her material to as many of my friends as I could.)

I am finding that I can't hear God when I am knotted up with anxiety. I have to make a conscious choice to not listen to fear and all the "what-ifs", and as soon as I do that, I usually get a quick solution that I never thought about before. He loves to speak, but if I don't silence other voices, it's hard to hear Him with clarity. For me, a practical step in hearing God is not googling answers. Google and cancer is a terrifying combination, and one I try and steer clear of. I figure Jesus has walked enough people through this journey- so if He wants me to google it, He can tell me first. 

I love when half verses float through my mind, because it feels like the Holy Spirit is initiating a game of tag with me. The other day the phrase "my people will abide in a peaceful habitation" just crossed my mind, so I went and looked it up. The passage perfectly encapsulates what I know is God's heart for not just me and my family, but for everyone who walks with God:

"And the effect of righteousness will be peace, 

and the result of righteousness quietness and trust forever. 

My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, 

in secure dwelling places, and in quiet resting places." (Isaiah 32:17-18)

I substituted the word "righteousness" with the word faith, because I'm reading Galatians and its just an easier way for me to understand what righteousness is, and that fleshed out that passage so differently for me. 

Every day is a choice of fear or faith. And faith is always the better choice. One of my friends and I were talking about how often we get afraid of the "price" we will pay to follow Jesus wholeheartedly, and how terrifying it seems to be in my shoes, even if she wanted the result of friendship with God I have gotten from it. I get that. I used to think that too. Like, what is God going to take from me if I pray this way? What will He ask of me if I really surrender?

I think this process has unmasked that thought as a lie from lips of the devil. Life is costly in itself. None of us controls what comes our way, not totally at least. I would MUCH rather give it all to Jesus now, than try and act like I have any control over my life, and hoard it to myself. Nothing I have comes from me. It's all a gift, and at least with Jesus there is reward left over. He pays back the enemy, promises us peace before, during and after each trial, and then He also gives us inheritance on earth AND in Heaven. That's amazing to me. We are tasting the richness of God in the middle of the wilderness because THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. He makes the wilderness a pool of water, like Isaiah 41 says. 

I am so glad to have the friendship of Jesus on the journey, and He is not a powerless friend. I was listening to a Bethel worship set the other day where they started singing "My God is so Big", and I realized this was the last song Cade sang in a preschool show he did the Thursday before we found his tumor. The lyrics are :

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do. 

The mountains are His, the valleys are His, the skies are His handywork too. 

I turned the song on in the kitchen yesterday and Cade came in from the other room and said, "Hey, I know that song!"

 That meant so much to me, that he remembered it. That's some solid theology for him to build his life on. Every time I am tempted to feel sorry for Cade, or wonder how he will view this situation as he gets older, I have to SILENCE the lie that this ruins everything. That was the first lie that reared its ugly head at me that November night and it's just as much a lie now as it was then. This is happening. If Jesus is King, and Jesus allowed it, than I believe Jesus will use it. Jesus will redeem it. Jesus will be King in it. And that's not a lie. No matter what, Cade will inherit a testimony of the might of God, the wonder of God, the hand of God saving his life and standing at his side in the fire of trial. We will never present it to him in any other way.

"We will NOT hide them from our children, but tell to the coming generation the GLORIOUS DEEDS of the Lord, and His MIGHT, and the wonders that He has done." Psalm 78:4

Beating back fear, despair, exhaustion, cowardice, and the feeling of being a victim is not work for the fainthearted and it's not a job we do alone. I am so thankful for God's friendship, and I am more zealous than ever for every single person I know to experience Him. He is literally the best thing in life. Thank you so much to every person praying for us. We really feel the support and prayers, and it is changing things!