Week 30 is upon us, and scans were yesterday. Cade was relaxed during the actual scans, but that was only after he had gave the technician a real show when she was trying to put an IV in his arm.
We haven't heard results yet but we do anticipate news today sometime. The waiting is never my best moment. As Chad and I both said in the video, we vacillate between different extremes all throughout the day. This morning we spent a minute processing that together. It is really precious to work out this stuff alongside my best friend. He is a great man, and thinks very differently than I do so it is helpful in circumstances like this to compare notes.
I can write a post like last week, asking for my stuff back with the Lord, totally confident He loves me and He's a good Father and wants his kids to be repaid for all of their trouble, and simultaneously I can also realize there are many who never get their stuff back on this side of life. They die without ever seeing the recompense. I know there are many stories where prayer and faith seemed to not accomplish the original intent. And I think it's important for me that I get to the place of honesty with God where I tell Him what I'd like, but I also admit He is a lot smarter than I am. Is my faith in God's ability to heal Cade? Yes. But it is also in the fact that He is good, and has been declared good by many many people who have walked with him right up to the place of death and disappointment and still had the courage to trust Him.
I will never forget the day we found out the histology of the tumor removed from Cade. It was truly like one of those moments where all of the sound suddenly gets turned off, and there is a yawning silence as my plummeting heart was groping for something to hold onto. And I know days where the heaviness melted my courage, my hope, and all that was left was me crying out to God and wondering why He felt so far away. Those moments still scare me, but I know even after them I again felt the nearness of God and felt hope and light. They didn't last forever. And my thoughts and feelings aren't truth. This is where reading the Psalms, and books and other accounts of people suffering became and still is very healing. "The wall", "the dark night of the soul", all of it has been felt before by others who went on to feel and live and thrive again.
So in the waiting, I've felt so much permission from my Father to say what I want. He already knows I want Cade healed and I want this long road over. But I also want our hearts to be prepared for whatever comes, and to walk with God through it, leaning on Him and growing in our confidence that He is who He says He is.
I've been reviewing all the things He has said along the journey, all the verses and passages that bore my heart up and became like food to me. Isaiah 41, 42, 43, John 11, Psalm 18. I've reviewed in thankfulness all the ways He has shown up already, and while the road has been hard and dark and sad at times, the ways He has also given us so many bright patches along the way. There has been real fun, real joy, real family time, real gifts, real friendship, real laughter so many of the days. He has prepared the road for us, and I know He is still doing that. He has performed what He promised, as Isaiah 42:16 says, " I will lead the blind by a way they do not know; I will guide them in paths that they do not know. I will make darkness into light before them And rugged places into plains. These things I will do [for them], And I will not leave them abandoned or undone.”
The entire Upper Room collection on Spotify has been our family favorite for the past few weeks, but especially this song.
And here is our update video for this week!
We haven't heard results yet but we do anticipate news today sometime. The waiting is never my best moment. As Chad and I both said in the video, we vacillate between different extremes all throughout the day. This morning we spent a minute processing that together. It is really precious to work out this stuff alongside my best friend. He is a great man, and thinks very differently than I do so it is helpful in circumstances like this to compare notes.
I can write a post like last week, asking for my stuff back with the Lord, totally confident He loves me and He's a good Father and wants his kids to be repaid for all of their trouble, and simultaneously I can also realize there are many who never get their stuff back on this side of life. They die without ever seeing the recompense. I know there are many stories where prayer and faith seemed to not accomplish the original intent. And I think it's important for me that I get to the place of honesty with God where I tell Him what I'd like, but I also admit He is a lot smarter than I am. Is my faith in God's ability to heal Cade? Yes. But it is also in the fact that He is good, and has been declared good by many many people who have walked with him right up to the place of death and disappointment and still had the courage to trust Him.
I will never forget the day we found out the histology of the tumor removed from Cade. It was truly like one of those moments where all of the sound suddenly gets turned off, and there is a yawning silence as my plummeting heart was groping for something to hold onto. And I know days where the heaviness melted my courage, my hope, and all that was left was me crying out to God and wondering why He felt so far away. Those moments still scare me, but I know even after them I again felt the nearness of God and felt hope and light. They didn't last forever. And my thoughts and feelings aren't truth. This is where reading the Psalms, and books and other accounts of people suffering became and still is very healing. "The wall", "the dark night of the soul", all of it has been felt before by others who went on to feel and live and thrive again.
So in the waiting, I've felt so much permission from my Father to say what I want. He already knows I want Cade healed and I want this long road over. But I also want our hearts to be prepared for whatever comes, and to walk with God through it, leaning on Him and growing in our confidence that He is who He says He is.
I've been reviewing all the things He has said along the journey, all the verses and passages that bore my heart up and became like food to me. Isaiah 41, 42, 43, John 11, Psalm 18. I've reviewed in thankfulness all the ways He has shown up already, and while the road has been hard and dark and sad at times, the ways He has also given us so many bright patches along the way. There has been real fun, real joy, real family time, real gifts, real friendship, real laughter so many of the days. He has prepared the road for us, and I know He is still doing that. He has performed what He promised, as Isaiah 42:16 says, " I will lead the blind by a way they do not know; I will guide them in paths that they do not know. I will make darkness into light before them And rugged places into plains. These things I will do [for them], And I will not leave them abandoned or undone.”
The entire Upper Room collection on Spotify has been our family favorite for the past few weeks, but especially this song.
And here is our update video for this week!
We were studying Psalm 71 in church this week, and one verse that Pastor talked about was verse 5, "Be a rock of refuge for me, where I can always go". I am so grateful that you all have known and experienced the Lord's rock of refuge, and we are expectantly praying and waiting with you all!!
ReplyDelete